Entering the Great Unknown

Now that I am quickly approaching full term with baby boy number three I am starting to freak out. I'd like to say I'm composed, calm, full of faith and trust in the God I love, but I can't. A lot of it has to do with going into this pregnancy knowing full well how difficult it is for me because of the mood disorder I manage on a regular basis. Pregnancy makes mood disorders more difficult to manage and certainly make the post-partum experience a more complicated journey. And I'm on the cusp of emotional imbalance, neediness, tenderness, I'm entering a time of Great Unknown.

Given the fact I've already struggled through Post-Partum depression (PPD) with my second-born, I now know what to expect and it's far from fun or pretty or put together. PPD is the opposite of composure, it's the antithesis of calm, cool thinking patterns. And the war waged on a woman's heart in the throws of depression is a vicious one.

So what do I do? With the blessing of insight and experience, with healthier supports in place to combat the challenges of a mood disorder in light of childbirth and rearing...I should be OK. And I believe that, somewhere in my troubled heart, that it will be OK, that I will do better this time round. But a question planted in my mind nags at my confidence...it asks "But what if it's not OK? What if you fall apart just like before?"

And I find myself in a place best described as...

The Great Unknown

I journey through a dismal place
Tears of sorrow weather my face
No escape to a warmer space
Into the Great Unknown

The fear creeps up in my mind
The past is still not far behind
Remembering I try to find
A way through the Great Unknown

A fountain lies ahead of me
Of precious stone lain carefully
Its waters whisper mysteriously
Throughout the Great Unknown

At once a blinding Light appears
Shining brightly, making clear
Beckoning me to come near
In the Great Unknown

Slowing down this journey's pace
Fear cannot resume its chase
Towards the Light I make haste
Peace with the Great Unknown

H. D'Elia