Gethsemane

Alone in a hidden garden I spoke
a soft word to a God unseen and dreamed a
dream of longing and desire ignited to
fire the pistons of a hurting heart I
start at the burst of flames that
claims yet
refrains
from devouring the
flowering birth of my spiritual awakening
shaking from the moment you came
to cover all that was and is and is to come
some of me wonders at the blunders forgiven I am
driven to say something more and
explore all you have made in the
shade of a secret place I long to see the
face of my lover...

H. D'Elia

In the coolness of the night
Beheld by stars and pale moonlight
Oh, what a holy sight
Bathed and breathing pure delight

In the secret hidden place
Founded by love, a Lover's face
Oh, what surprising grace
Enfolded forever in His embrace

Once to be held, twice to behold
The gaze of his eyes, truth be told
How marvelous is the blood He sold
To warm our hearts, to banish the cold

H. D'Elia

Entering the Great Unknown

Now that I am quickly approaching full term with baby boy number three I am starting to freak out. I'd like to say I'm composed, calm, full of faith and trust in the God I love, but I can't. A lot of it has to do with going into this pregnancy knowing full well how difficult it is for me because of the mood disorder I manage on a regular basis. Pregnancy makes mood disorders more difficult to manage and certainly make the post-partum experience a more complicated journey. And I'm on the cusp of emotional imbalance, neediness, tenderness, I'm entering a time of Great Unknown.

Given the fact I've already struggled through Post-Partum depression (PPD) with my second-born, I now know what to expect and it's far from fun or pretty or put together. PPD is the opposite of composure, it's the antithesis of calm, cool thinking patterns. And the war waged on a woman's heart in the throws of depression is a vicious one.

So what do I do? With the blessing of insight and experience, with healthier supports in place to combat the challenges of a mood disorder in light of childbirth and rearing...I should be OK. And I believe that, somewhere in my troubled heart, that it will be OK, that I will do better this time round. But a question planted in my mind nags at my confidence...it asks "But what if it's not OK? What if you fall apart just like before?"

And I find myself in a place best described as...

The Great Unknown

I journey through a dismal place
Tears of sorrow weather my face
No escape to a warmer space
Into the Great Unknown

The fear creeps up in my mind
The past is still not far behind
Remembering I try to find
A way through the Great Unknown

A fountain lies ahead of me
Of precious stone lain carefully
Its waters whisper mysteriously
Throughout the Great Unknown

At once a blinding Light appears
Shining brightly, making clear
Beckoning me to come near
In the Great Unknown

Slowing down this journey's pace
Fear cannot resume its chase
Towards the Light I make haste
Peace with the Great Unknown

H. D'Elia

Bigger Than Me

Feeling a deep need for something bigger than me
Because often it gets so tiring in my head...so boring
Listening to the thoughts blowing through my mind
And just once I'd like to feel something bigger than me

When life seems so endlessly, tirelessly tedious
And words just perpetuate the pain,
I dive into the ocean-wide waters so I can be
Consumed by something bigger than me

Over and over I hear the same thing,
How great I am, how sweet!
Yet when I lay my head down to rest the
Truth rushes over me - there's
Someone bigger than me

Whoa, I'm caught up in something more than
I can describe and the waves cover me
Someone's bigger than me

by Hilary D'Elia

Boundaries

One thing I learned from personal counseling was the importance of boundaries. Setting boundaries in your life is a really crucial act in preserving your health and establishing godly relationships. When boundaries aren't respected things start falling apart.

An example would be knowing when to say 'yes' and when to say 'no'. If you're the kind of person who can't say 'no' to people because you're afraid of disappointing them sooner or later you'll be spread so thin your joy in life will dissipate. Equally so, if you say 'no' to most things you may need to consider broadening your boundaries, especially if you experience feelings of isolation and loneliness.

I was a 'yes' to everything person. Being a recovering people-pleaser, I quickly learned saying 'yes' to everything meant a very angry, resentful Hilary. It took time to set reasonable boundaries, but the effort was well worth it.

One challenge remains...even though I know my boundaries and accept them, others have yet to catch up with me. There will always be people who don't know how to respect your boundaries. This can be stressful and frustrating. For me, I struggle to understand why people cannot take my 'no'. I get especially upset when they press in and push to try to make me do things I don't want to do.

I've got to come to a place where I can honor my boundaries and forgive those who don't. Not everyone understands this concept of respecting another's limitations in life. And until they do, which may be never, it's our responsibility to give them the grace to fail at loving us.

Oh Lord, won't you come and help us love and forgive. Give us the freedom to be our authentic selves and love others in the process.

A New Year

I'm starting to read Donald Miller's latest book, 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' and I'm reflecting on his comment about sitting with God at the end of our lives and having a conversation with Him. What will we say? Will God be pleased with how we lived and loved? What will we have done with our lives?

As most people do at the new year, I've been thinking about my life and where I'm headed and most importantly what my heart's intent in life is. I realized that for the first time in my 30 years on this earth I can genuinely say I'm at peace with today and tomorrow and ultimately with this much-anticipated reunion with my Creator God.

Lovestruck and broken for Him. That's what I'll be. Lovestruck because He has won my heart and I'm head over heels in love with Jesus. And I know I'll be broken. Broken of my selfishness, vanity, critical heart, anxieties, pride and whatever else plagues my tender, fleshy, palpitating heart.

So this year and in the years to come my pursuit is the same: intimacy with the One who calls us His Beloved.